lucas

Wedding Crashing

Lucas P Chatham -

I love weddings. Always have. The music, the dancing, the laughter, the love -- some of life's best offerings bundled into a once-in-a-lifetime celebration (sometimes twice-in-a-lifetime -- the more, the merrier?). In middle school and high school, I danced and ate my way through every wedding I was invited to. In my second year of college, I decided to start dancing my way into some weddings I WASN'T invited to. Here is how to increase your odds of success when wedding crashing (not that you would ever do such a thing).

(Caution: this habit doesn't age well. All it takes is one angry bride and you'll want to retire.)

Do

  • Do be within driving distance to a popular wedding destination. I lived on the Central Coast of California in college, which is a world renown region for both weddings and wine -- the ultimate marriage.
  • Do make friends with local wedding planners and wedding vendors -- make-up artists, chefs, hairdressers, and DJs work well. Often, they'll 'accidentally' give you the date and time of big weddings that are bound to be a wild time.
  • Do keep your Saturday mornings open. Then, drive by major wedding venues -- vineyards, outdoor churches, botanical gardens, etc. Stop and park when you see rustic signs painted with, "Ashley & Steven" or, "Mary & Jo" surrounded by white and [insert complement color] balloons. Suit up.
  • Do keep a clean wedding-appropriate outfit hanging in the back of your car at all times. I chose a three piece suit, a black shirt and a white shirt, 1 pair of brown suede shoes (sorry, Elvis), suspenders, a belt, bowtie, regular necktie, a small bottle of cologne, and a vest. Pro tip: always wear the vest. If there's spillage on the dance floor, you can toss the vest fast and lose only a chorus.
  • Do use the photo booth.
  • Do say you're, "Just another bartender" if the wedding has 50 people or less. Note: this does not work at Mormon weddings.
  • Do always bring a gift. Classics include: a bakeware set, a meat thermometer, or a nice bottle of wine (Costco is great for bulk discounts on award winning Cabernet Sauvignon).
  • Do bring your own alcohol in a flask. If it is a smaller wedding, their alcohol budget has been stretched. Be respectful and BYOB.
  • Do be a distributor of dance moves and tequila shots. Pro tip: if you can't dance, just do all the moves from your latest fitness class. Warrior 1 pose looks surprisingly cool when done to the beat.
  • Do drink in the magical moments: when the groom sees his bride walk down the aisle, when the couple exchanges vows, when the mother-son/father-daughter dance begins. Less stereotypical moments to watch for: when the wait staff start to do shots, the transition when the kids sprint off the dance floor to avoid the 'big kids' that stumble on, and when Uncle Ted finishes his fifth piece of cake and tries to stand.
  • Do prioritize attending weddings of middle aged couples. The guests are older, the cares are less, and the dance floor is drunk-Zumba-class wild.
  • Do know when to bid your adieu. It will be sometime after everyone has finished their cake and before the DJ says, "last song!" Use your discretion.

Don't

  • Don't get completely hammered, but do know all the lyrics to Hammertime!
  • Don't out-dance the bride.
  • Don't miss the ceremony and then crash the reception. People notice the bow-tied anomaly that shows up late.
  • Don't be an energy vampire. Don't walk into a party and it not get more fun.
  • Don't believe everything you see in Wedding Crashers.
  • Don't crash weddings where the groom is a US Navy SEAL. His groomsmen do NOT play.
  • Don't rush blindly into a country wedding's bathrooms. The men's restroom is often just a horse trough with a Puréll dispenser, the ground is often mud. You're one shake away from dirt disaster.

Like any good Dos and Don'ts list, Do more than you Don't. Bask in the beauty that is love expressed in its many beautiful forms -- between newlyweds, from parent to child, from sister to brother, and from family to family. Lastly, always abide by the first rule of wedding crashing: add value. An uninvited party pooper is despicable, whereas a moonwalking ‘DJ assistant’ is delightful.

Remember: less talking, more dancing.